Official Donald Trump-Kamala Harris Debate Drinking Game Rules

Get a designated driver, avoid spirits, and take small sips. Tonight's presidential debate is likely to shape history, so start your livers! Join us at 8:45 pm ET/7:45 pm CT

Since the last presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden ended the latter’s re-election bid, newshounds are emptying Thesauruses in search of maximalist language to describe the import of tonight’s clash between Kamala Harris and Trump. “With no other debates scheduled between Ms. Harris and Mr. Trump,” the New York Times writes, “the face-off figures to be one of the highest-stakes 90 minutes in American politics in generations.”

It’s also likely to be one of the most abhorrent, ear-splitting, cliché-ridden, factually unmoored, cringe-inducing live TV spectacles ever. Or the worst, at least, since the last debate. Pre- and post-debate commentary will be critical. The notion that the press heavily influences perception of who “wins” and “loses” debates has been a tired media saw since the 1960 Kennedy-Nixon affair, but audiences are tougher now. They are more likely to see through narrative-shaping efforts.

That doesn’t mean post-debate talking points are irrelevant. As we learned the last time, cable stations have become messaging platforms for delivering pronouncements of behind-the-scenes oligarchs. We will know whether Emperor Obama (or Brennan, or whoever is really running the country) gives tonight’s performance a thumbs-up or thumbs-down within minutes of the MSNBC/CNN roundups.

As usual, I’ll be viewing the debate with Walter Kirn through the lens of a drinking game. We’ll watch the whole event, plus check in on the after-event commentary, beginning at 8:45 pm ET:

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NOTE: The object of a drinking game is to add drama to oft-excruciating TV affairs and also to make light of participants by predicting pre-packaged attack lines. I try to make rules even-handed, which means rules aimed at both candidates’ tendencies. I strongly advise refraining from hard liquor, as a single rule can sometimes be a hospital risk (“The idea…” last time upended some players). I bought a case of Modelo for tonight’s affair, which sounds dull, but I’m anticipating a long night. Walter and I will see you soon. Without further ado, tonight’s rules:

DRINK EVERY TIME:

1. Harris uses the words felon, extreme, threat to democracy, or for the people.

2. Trump uses the words communist, socialist, radical or Marxist. Double-shot for tampon.

3. Harris talks about her experience dealing with predators, scammers, cheaters, perpetrators, or special interests.

4. Trump invokes the Kamala crime wave or defund the police, or says something like They destroyed San Francisco or You can’t buy a loaf of bread without getting shot. Any story of this sort qualifies (“These Haitians, it’s unbelievable. Who would eat a cat?”). Non-negotiable double-shot for literally third world conditions.

5. Harris says Let me be clear, I’m talking, or “Not going back.” Take a SMALL SIP ONLY whenever she mentions the middle class. Take a full drink when Donald Trump only cares about himself.

6. Trump says illegal, sanctuary, Border Czar. Double shot when Harris protests she wasn’t.

7. Harris cackles. Trump does “stank face” or “pinchy hands.”

8. Harris mentions the opportunity economy, price gouging or bringing down costs. Double for groceries. If both candidates mention groceries, take an aspirin.

9. “CHECK, PLEASE!” Drink if Harris runs out of things to say and has to be reminded she still has time left. (Drinking game trivia: this rule was originally written for Joe Biden years ago.)

10. “BILLIONS AND BILLIONS!” Drink when Trump rattles off a statistic that’s off by a factor of 10x. Double if he tells us how many people were just shot in Chicago and how it was worse than Afghanistan. (He may substitute Philadelphia tonight).

11. From Harris: sales tax, bipartisan, reproductive freedom, different vision. Drink for any mathematically perfect tautology/redundancy (e.g. deadlines of time). More than three seconds of stoned-looking hesitation is a drink. Strike your companion if you hear joy.

12. From Trump: so crazy, beautiful, fake, beating the hell, never been anything like it. Drink when he says any national problem was completely eliminated when he was president and complains the media lies its face off about it. You may also drink for take a bullet or the “pull down that chart” story if you feel under-served.

    Tune in tonight to the livestream at 8:45 pm for an additional MYSTERY RULE.

IN THE POST-DEBATE COMMENTARY, DRINK WHEN:

• Any pundit uses a legal metaphor to describe the Harris performance (“A great closing argument,” “She proved beyond a reasonable doubt tonight,” “Tonight, America is her jury”)

• “Move the needle” (if a performance did or did not)

• “Trump was incoherent/rambling”

• Harris showed she was “calm” or “pragmatic”; “We saw a real leader tonight”

• The real opinion of Barack Obama is written on the face of an otherwise evasive David Axelrod; full tumescence of Brian Stelter is detected; Chris Hayes completely agrees with whatever Joy, Rachel, or Jen just said

FINALLY, THE WALTER KIRN RULE:

You must finish your bottle and arm yourself if a technical breakdown or broadcast interruption takes place in the middle of a one-sided debate.

Do not politics and drive! See you tonight.