It wasn’t us. Queen Elizabeth II is dead, and we promise, this is one international fatality we Americans had nothing to do with.

Of course there have always been people in the States who’d gladly put Britain’s royals in zoos and sell tickets, or sign up to watch them devoured on pay-per-view by Komodo dragons, or cheer them devouring their own epaulettes for cash on game shows. However, we’ve mostly grown out of that phase. Our attitude toward the British has mellowed over the years. A pure vassal state, they produce great nature show hosts and action movie villains for us, and we no longer have to worry about them taking over our magazine business, because no one reads magazines in this country anymore anyway. Therefore, we can be generous this week and say, We feel for you. We still don’t get the whole Queen thing, but we’ll try not to be jerks about it at least.

In any case, apart from the royal tragedy, this was a big week in news. The top stories: